Casteleiro - Grocery Store Joke No. 1

Casteleiro - "Twice Today" and also pics of God

Yes, there are photographs of God in it, but really, I did most of the work. I am usually an atheist, but I understand God to be very popular, so I'm hoping His presence in my video will attract more than my usual 100 views. If you like either me, or God, please watch this video, tell me (not God, he doesn't care) how much you liked it, and especially, tell other people who like good music and/or God that this is the video for them.

Oh, Those Inherently-Scary British!

When I watch a DVD, I invariably turn on the English captioning. Part of this is obviously due to my own poor hearing, although a good one fourth of the time, it's because they mixed the background music too loud. Most of the time, I can hear the characters perfectly well, but I cannot understand which words they are using, especially if they are British. And it seems everybody being cast in big blockbuster Hollywood movies is, secretly or openly, Brits using their "acting skills" to sound American.

1. Christian Bale: Plays American Bruce Wayne / Weird-Voiced Batman. In first film, fights Liam Neeson. And don't tell me he doesn't count because he's Irish -- the man has an OBE, for Chrissakes. As in "Order of the British Empire".

2. Andrew Garfield: Plays a high-schooler from Queens, that smart-mouthed, swingin' young superhero, the very UN-British Spider-Man.

3. Henry Cavill: Plays an extraterrestrial from a planet that has never heard of England, but most of them sound like it's where they're from. The alien infant was raised as a human by human parents in Kansas. Wound up with neither a British, nor American accent -- much less sounding even remotely Kansan. Has very little dialogue in general, so I'm guessing his American accent isn't the best.

4. Andrew Lincoln: In TV series The Walking Dead, plays a cop from a small town in Georgia. Or possibly Kentucky; I'm not sure. The accent works, but his "Shakespearean" gestures and poses do not He's as British as "Digestives" -- which, most Americans and ALL Georgians don't know, are Tea Biscuits. 

And those are just the heroes! The villains get to use their British accents freely, since somebody, probably George Lucas, with his Peter Cushing and his Sir Alec Guinness, decided, circa 1976-77, that British accents put a good extra scare into Americans.

I did a modicum of research, and I'm happy to report that although, yes, the majority of actors (counting live-action performances only), who portrayed Superman's Kryptonian nemesis, General Zod, have been English (and in the case of Terence Stamp, who could complain?), the latest version of Zod, the three-dimensional character who isn't into evil simply as a lifestyle choice, who doesn't give a shit about making anyone "kneel before Zod", but becomes desperately destructive after Superman, frankly, destroys his bio-engineered (or, inbred) reason for living . . . the Zod we can almost sympathize with (a sign of a brilliantly-conceived villain), was portrayed by Michael Shannon, who was born in Kentucky U.S.A.

On the other hand, take The Amazing Spider-Man, with the villain being The Lizard -- originally, the affable, good-natured Dr. Curt Connors (you can tell he's a creation of Stan Lee because of the alliterative name), who lost an arm one way or another (it's best not to pin these things down), and sought to develop a way to grow lost limbs back, the way certain lizards can. Unfortunately, when the doctor did that thing a scientist would not and should not ever, EVER, even think about doing, and dosed himself with his own experimental serum . . . Well, he grew his arm back. And his tail. And his scales. And his green complexion. And his ability to climb walls and ceilings with rapid ease. And all those other things he never had in the first place, because he wasn't a fucking LIZARD.

Now, that's a good fictional tragedy. Wanna hear the real tragedy?

The real tragedy is, the Sam Raimi trilogy of Spider-Man movies (starring Tobey Maguire) introduced us to Dr. Curt Connors from the start. He had dialogue, the character's name was used, and the personality came together quite nicely. Just a little exposure in the first film. Affable. Gave Peter Parker a nice get your shit together speech in the second one. Good-natured. In the third and final film, it was Dr. Connors who figured out, and explained to Peter, than his nifty new black "costume" was, in fact, a sentient extraterrestrial being, seeking to bond with a human host (which Peter, understandably, had already allowed to happen -- it did make a pretty fucking awesome costume.) In all three films, Dr. Connors was played by an actor named Dylan Baker, and he was great. He subtly stole every scene he was in away from the increasingly-dreary trio of Peter Parker, Mary Jane Watson, and Harry Osborn. He was memorable. We could empathize with him. And he was willing to play the Lizard!

But it didn't happen. They warmed up the character, but never served him up to us! That's sad. It's almost as sad as Billy Dee Williams playing cameo bits as District Attorney Harvey Dent in Tim Burton's first two Batman movies, but when it came time to bring Harvey Dent into the spotlight as Batman's nemesis Two-Face, suddenly Tommy Lee Jones had the role. That has nothing to do with Englishness, of course, and I'm not convinced the race card should be played, either. I think that was a merely a case of Joel Schumacher, who had taken over for Tim Burton, being a fucking idiot who believed the key to making great big films is to bring in the greatest, biggest stars, and Jones was a pretty hot property at the time. He also absolutely, undeniably, and not-even-laughably sucked in the role. You can't tell me that, after two films of cameoing as Harvey Dent, that Billy Dee Williams hadn't prepared himself for the role. That makes it pretty much inarguable that he would have done a better job than Jones, who was clearly only doing it for the paycheck, because Batman Forever was a terrible film and Two-Face wasn't even portrayed as one memorable character, never mind two (Aaron Eckhart, this one's for you! Somebody, please drink a beer!)

You could argue that Billy Dee Williams got screwed worse, since he was replaced within the same continuity, the same "universe". Michael Keaton may have wised up and split after two films, and Tim Burton may not have directed it, but Batman Forever was the third of a four-film franchise. But black people getting screwed over in favor of white people is, at the very, pitifully least, something we're already used to.

But in The Amazing Spider-Man, they recast Dr. Curt Connors for no clear reason I can discern, except to state WE'RE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE THE SAM RAIMI TRILOGY, WE'RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

They got someone named Rhys Ifans for The Amazing Spider-Man. That right there tells you either the guy is British (he's Welsh, actually, as if there's a difference), or else that he was born to a couple of culture vultures. This new Dr. Connors was creepy from the start, for no apparent reason, other than the fact that he probably grew up with everyone he met asking, "But is there a real difference between Wales and England?” Oh, and I should add that (c) the British accent was not inherently frightening; it was merely a TELEGRAPH from the filmmakers which read VILLIAN HAS ARRIVED ON-SCREEN STOP.

Why should we be frightened of the English and their accents? First of all, there was a little show you might remember, called Monty Python's Flying Circus that featured British people acting completely foolish (including "silly walks" by master comedian John Cleese), making us laugh our asses off and kinda convincing us we were extraordinarily clever for getting the joke.

More importantly . . . more historically . . . Wasn't it us, the colonists originally from England, who eventually decided, Fuck it; We're not going back to that leaky country, with their sausages, their self-loathing and their fish jokes, we'll just kill all these freaky half-naked people and take their land . . . . That beat their tea-sippin' asses when they came sniffing around for taxes?

Didn't George Orwell predict, in his 1948 novel 1984, that the U.S. and England (along with the other English-speaking countries) would be joined as one of three territorial superpowers, pitted in an unwinnable war against either of two other superpowers? [Note: My current favorite part of 1984 -- which I read so often, my favorite parts change as I grow -- is when we learn from "The Book" that the war is in fact real, despite its constant change of ally and enemy, since the whole purpose of the war is not to gain property, not to gain ANYTHING, but, in fact, to use things up and engineer scarcity. To prevent a perfectly-possible paradise, in this day and age, there must be an unwinnable war, for the purpose of using up goods, services, and young men with fighting spirits.]

George Orwell was British, as were his characters. I wish I'd written that book. I also wish I'd written Douglas Adams's books -- he's dead and British, too, by the way -- but if he were still among us, I'm pretty sure he'd answer "yes" to this: 

Don't most of the British hate themselves, and feel that if only they were Americans, they'd be too blissfully stupid to hate themselves? 

Don't misunderstand me; I don't hate the British. Americans hating England is like hating one's mother for suffering from depression. It's stupid; we should be helping them become more happy and less British. Unfortunately, that's when stupidity and, well, "bloody-mindedness" rises up: whenever one's culture is threatened. Even when it's a culture of bad sausages, a complicated non-meal ritual known as "tea time", and the aforementioned fish jokes.

The more I write this, the more I realize how little I really know about England. The country can go on as it has been, as far as I care. As I indicated before, my hobbies do not include hating my mother. But I do know about the movies I've been watching lately, and the things about them that are bugging me more and more.

Not only is the "evil British villain" trick old and hackneyed by now, it doesn't even work anymore . . . Least of all the "British extraterrestrials" trick. But Hollywood is always the last to know when a thing "doesn't work anymore".

The Story of the Bald Frog with the Wig

I spontaneously wrote this on Blogger's "About Me" page, never considering it might be worthy of an actual blog post. Not that this blog will ever truly be an active, ongoing concern, but maybe over a decade or two I shall amass posts of interest.

The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig.

 The Story of the Bald Frog with the Wig

by Offie Dopeapple

Once upon a time, a bald frog put on a wig. "Take that off, you look ridiculous", said the bald frog's wife. And so, kids, that is the story of how the bald frog spent the rest of the day brooding about having married such an unsupportive, careless, and contemptuous woman.

THE END 

 

No, it never occurred to me 'til now that all frogs are, by definition, bald. But imagine if they weren't! That would just ruin what was, arguably, one of God's better ideas. Or would it? And were frogs really such a good idea? Let's open it up for discussion.

You Really Don't Need Anything After An Ice Cream

File Dirk Wears White Sox next to The Clash under "British Albums That Are Actually Better In Their Adulterated, Americanized Formats".

"Cartrouble" was never the kind of song that needed a surreal prologue. And I'll take "Kick!" over "Kick" any day.

Sure, the good versions are included as bonus tracks, but it's annoying to have to start the CD on track 18.

. . . Aw, hell, who'm I kiddin'? Whatever order I have to play it in, so long as I get to "Animals And Men", I'm fine. And however much I loathed "Tabletalk" at 13, that's exactly how much I adore it today.

Teaser: I also have a funny story about Prince Charming. Remind me. And keep your feet off the upholstery, Ronnie!

First Blog, First Post

. . . And likely to be deleted. Let's just see what it looks like.

Today I installed AVG Anti-Virus Free, and then uninstalled Norton Anti-Virus 2006, which gave me a great feeling of satisfaction.

I have a cold for the first time in several years. I smoke, I don't sleep enough, and my home is pretty filthy, yet I rarely get sick. So I can't really complain if I catch cold once every few years, except -- guess what -- I will!

I've been listening to Stevie Wonder lately. It's immensely satisfying music. Even a tranquil tune like "Overjoyed" has some daring harmonic movements that excite me. I know the word "genius" gets overused, but Stevie Wonder obviously qualifies. And that makes me think, what if you kidnapped Stevie Wonder and forced him to undergo sex reassignment surgery? That would be a horrible thing to do!